Jacob's First Haircut

You know that when your wife’s family starts referring to your youngest child as "Joe Dirt” it’s time to get the boy’s hair trimmed.

So that was one of our little adventures over the Christmas holiday. We were in the thriving metropolis of Howe, TX – home to Robin’s parents…AND to Jan – quite likely the greatest woman to ever wield a pair of shears.

I dread the first haircut…because in the Campbell household, the first haircut is a theatrical production of the highest order. Every filming device must be secured, so I trudge to the car with digital camera and video camera in tow. I also must tote a box of Kleenex. While my wife is most assuredly the emotional rock of our family (I, in turn, carry the title of emotional WRECK), the first haircut renders my wife into a blubbering, sobbing mass of uselessness. She sees this as their first leap from “baby” to “boy.” (I, on the other hand, declare they have made this leap the first time they’re in the bathtub and locate their "wing-ding").

So off we go…and my wife goes from being “mom” to “movie director.” I am instructed to take a variety of shots of varying poses. Take his picture walking to the car. Take his picture getting into the car. Take his picture sitting in the car. Take his picture getting out of the car. Take his picture trying to get back in the car. Video him (from the rear) walking up to the door, opening the door, walking in, disturbing all of the ladies getting their manicures and pedicures. Etc., etc., etc. It took John Hughes less time to direct "The Breakfast Club" than it takes for Robin to photograph her children getting their hair cut.

Finally, after investing four hours and three memory cards full of pictures, Jacob is in the chair and draped with the plastic apron. The squirt bottle hasn’t even begun to spray and Robin is already getting misty-eyed. I, on the other hand, continue to film away…but all the while I’m preparing for my other role. For in a short while, I am to become the “Human Restraint Mechanism.”

Rewind to almost five years ago when a young Elijah Campbell ventured to the same location to receive his first haircut. Granted, Elijah is our emotional child (gee, wonder where he gets that from)…but one would have thought the child was having his tonsils removed sans anesthesia! No sooner had the first drop of water touched his little head when he began to scream and wail like mourners at James Brown’s funeral! Before all was said and done I wound up sitting in the chair holding his arms and desperately dodging hair, scissors, and Elijah’s bobbing and weaving head. The folks that rate the movies would’ve given this event a PG-13 rating due to the sheer volume of foul language and violence.

Noah’s first foray wasn’t much better…though far less blood was shed. It was, however, entertaining enough to make into a music video – set to The Cure’s mini-hit “Boys Don’t Cry.” (One of these days I'll post that on YouTube).

So the cutting begins…and continues…and continues. Jan is met with very little resistance. “What child is this,” I exclaim aloud, myself now overcome with emotion and reaching for the Kleenex! Eventually, a little assistance is required once the hedge trimmers are brought out to make the final run-through.

Once the damage is complete Robin quickly reaches for her now grown-up boy and tearfully hugs Jan. Dutifully, I turn off the video camera and snap the final pictures.

Now if I can just get 20th Century Fox to buy the rights!